Have you ever had that one moment that changed your life and pushed it in an entirely different direction? That moment where everything seems to come crashing down and you see your life flashing by and realize that all these little things we worry about from day to day are so terribly insignificant it makes you laugh out loud at yourself? I had that moment a couple of days ago and it changed everything….
It was Tuesday night, a new found friend had his birthday and invited me for cocktails that night. I took a nice relaxing shower and was looking forward to the evening. His girlfriend recently left her entire life behind in India and is now living partly in Amsterdam, partly in Groningen. We had just met the week prior, but it kinda feels like I’ve known her a lot longer. We were supposed to go to the market together, but ended up having drinks outside in the sun and didn’t leave until it was tipsy Tuesday afternoon o’clock. What a great time of day that is ; )
Anyways, back to Tuesday night…. In the shower I was thinking about what I should wear. I’d been cleaning out my closet and I’m getting rid of a lot of unnecessary items. This has been going on for two weeks now and it feels great! I’m getting rid of everything I don’t need….and boy once you’re at it do you realize how much stuff you have that you don’t need or want really, for that matter… It’s more than a spring cleaning though, it feels like I’m purposefully getting rid of things preparing myself for something else. So I had decided to wear pants that I might wanna get rid of but still like, just to see what’s what. I chose my underwear accordingly and when I adjusted my boobies in my bra, there it was…
Helleuw big lump that is not supposed to be there! I immediately knew this was not okay and got scared. I had to call my mom, even though I knew it was selfish of me to have her worry also, but honestly I just needed to share my thoughts with another female and I wanted her to comfort me knowing that there was no way that she could….
Waiting for the sun to rise
I just needed to know!
It’s been a long time since I preferred the early morning over a fun night of cocktails with interesting fun people I’m getting to know, but this time I couldn’t wait for the sun to rise the next morning so I could make an appointment with my doctor….
Fortunately, the doctor’s assistant took me seriously and squeezed me in as an emergency. Thank you Universe!!! At that point I already felt relieved, one step closer to finding out if I should freak out or if I was one of the lucky ones. Negative images started popping up in my head and they made me realize this is not the way I should be thinking. It’s the positive thoughts that turn lives around and make positive things happen. So I changed my perception and even put in my agenda that I would be home on time feeling relieved that it was just a scare…Unfortunately, this was not what happened.
My doctor who is usually über relaxed had this pitying look in her eyes after she examined me and when she felt my boob she was like ‘ Oh, wow! How did you not feel this sooner? It’s pretty big.’’ She went online immediately to get me to a hospital asap. I was very grateful for that and still felt pretty positive, I’m a young healthy women and I feel great…I am NOT sick!
I was still smiling when she was scanning through the computer to find the right hospital for me and while she was reading out loud that it was not just “a slight suspicion”. I was also still smiling when she said I had 50% chance of it being cancerous and 50% chance of it being benign. If I was honest with myself, I already knew this the moment I felt it…so no surprises there… My smile faded though when she shook my hand to say goodbye and she had this incredibly sad and pitiful look on her face and wished me good luck. In Dutch, people use this particular word when someone is dying or has died….I lost my optimism a bit at that point and couldn’t help but cry for a few minutes after I left the building.
Of course I didn’t want to dwell too long on those negative thoughts and the hospital called shortly thereafter to confirm my appointment for the next morning. I was so happy that they replied so quickly…all I wanted was to know. So I went back to feeling calm and relaxed. Tomorrow you’ll know…
Thursday morning arrived, I actually had a job interview in the early afternoon so I had to make sure I looked nice and neat. The assistant from the breast cancer office had told me that the exams would take all morning, so I got dressed in my ‘Don’t you want to hire me’ outfit. I felt good!
All day long I was happy and I just knew that it was going to be fine. At least that’s what I was telling myself. I wanted to stay optimistic, and if I was wrong, well then I’d deal with that later… People were so nice and the exams were less painful and went a lot faster than I thought. At a certain point I walked back from the bathroom to the waiting room, which was filled with women with a tense look on their faces, and a father walked passed with his son who was on crutches heading for the orthopedic department. The dad looked to left and saw the word “ Mammapolie’ and went; “You’d rather wait here than where you’re going…” The son at the age of 16 seemed to be a bit more knowledgeable than his father and immediately replied “ I don’t think so dad!” I think I’d have to agree with his son…of course the dad just saw one word and thought it was an area where moms of newly born children wait or something….Either way I hope none of the other ladies in the waiting room heard that remark, because the dynamics in that room was not very cheerful.
They all came with their husbands or boyfriends and nobody was talking. I offered coffee or water to anyone that was interested Nobody was, but at least I got some smiles from people : ) I was smiling all morning. I have never felt this calm in my life before hearing the results of something that could be life altering. I was reading all these different articles in magazines as well about people who think positively have more luck in life, because they ask for it (the law of attraction tells us so). My smile and calm demeanor were very genuine and I just felt that the lump was benign….
Finally, when I thought they had forgotten about me, I was called in for an echo…it was a cute boy doctor, that was a plus : ) I told him that I knew it was going to be benign ( I had been telling the surgeon as well and myself mostly) and there it was…on the screen, my little ball…and he goes “Yup, look at that! It’s filled with clear fluid, you’re good to go!” My reply was “Awesome” and did my little proud fist thingy, which I copied from a friend of mine. I think we even did a little high five, but I’m not sure…I was on cloud nine : ) I knew it! I just knew it!
So from now on I’m going to look at things a little bit differently. I’m going to say what I want…not what I don’t want. Believe in the law of attraction and positive thinking or don’t…either way it’s up to you! I am so glad that I did and do…